You're an Asshole, Uncle Jesse

What a dick.

Listen, I understand that you moved in with the intent to help the family out. I can respect that. Three girls is a lot to handle when you're a single dad. In many respects, your rough-and-tumble, rock-n-roll lifestyle was somewhat of a fresh change of pace from the denial-induced neuroses of Danny and the "I give up, but in a PG way" life of Joey Gladstone. Somewhere down the line, however, I noticed something: you started to care. And that's where things started to go wrong.

You see, although you came into this arrangement with the intent of fulfilling some of your sister's obligations, you still have always been under the roof of Danny Tanner's house. Now, every family member was always willing to let certain things give way in the name of responsibility. For instance, while the girls fought over having to share a room, Joey had to live in a fucking alcove. Then, a garage.

You, on the other hand, have taken every single advantage you could get your hands on. Despite the fact that you have owned your own rock club, hosted an afternoon drive radio show, released a hit single and been partner in your own advertising firm, you continued to usurp the family. What's more, you never volunteered to sleep in an alcove, or a garage. Now, I understand; no one's standards can be as low as Joey's. Hell, it was all forgivable--you were a swingin' bachelor, after all...

 

...then you met Becky. Things got hot and heavy, and understandably, the two of you became serious. When the time came to tie the knot, Danny, in understanding fashion, allowed her to move in. After all, you'd be sharing the same living quarters, so who's to complain if two sleep where there was once one? No considerable space would be taken up.

But you had to have more. The basement--once Joey's home--had to become your own personal recording studio. Sure, you'd pay for the renovations and soundproofing. Sure, it would bring a little extra income into the house (one would hope that Jesse was contributing something other than a lackluster parental effort); but once that red recording light was on, the basement was yours. For the first time, in all of your intrusion, you had set a boundary and claimed a shared living space as your own. Even though it was for short periods of time, you had established a precedent that not even home owner Danny was able to enjoy.

But even this wasn't enough. You needed more private space. After all, you were of blood relation to these girls; when the time came to cut any extra weight, Joey would surely be little more than an afterthought, most likely sleeping in a gutter (hopefully you'd at least forward his mail there) while you slept in your warm, insulated attic bed, plotting your next move.

It was probably a normal day. Danny was most likely scrubbing feverishly at the kitchen floor. Joey was probably drowning his sorrows in his third box of Vanilla Weasels. The girls were probably fighting over who could watch the one TV in all the house. All while you were busy moving your bishop into check mate--you were impregnating your obviously (and artificially, no doubt) overfertile wife with twins.

Your plan was so perfect. Like a viper closing its jaws around the Tanner nest egg, you surrounded the Tanners from above and below. In well under a decade, you managed to limit a large family to 50 percent of their house. Your selfishness, if left unchecked, will no doubt be the ruin of this band of socially-inept people, who were just looking to get by. When we last saw you, the facade was already starting to crack. Michelle was injured severely from disobeying her father's wishes to properly ride a horse. Stephanie was busy driving with boys very fast. DJ was no doubt on the verge of adding another member to the already over-cramped Tanner family by way of Steve, or Nelson, or Viper, or lord knows what other flavor-of-the-week was skulking about, sniffing at her fecund scent.

I'm asking you, Jesse. For the love of god. If it hasn't already happened, take your riches and your beautiful wife. All of the fortunes of the world you have gained at the cost of this innocent family must move on. For the love of god, Jesse.

Have mercy.